Monday, January 26, 2015

Feminism and BDSM- Abuse and Rape?



I've been reading and trying to learn about BDSM lately and I noticed something- a lot of people, especially feminists, really have a hard time with it. And that is ok. But, a lot of the thoughts they cited made me uncomfortable. So, I wanted to take a second to address the most common thoughts that gave me the icky feels. 

As a side note, if any of these thoughts are ones that have crossed your mind: put down Fifty Shades of Grey. Now. Its not BDSM, its rapey. Super rapey.  If you are looking for a good BDSM author I love Joey W. Hill.

1.) Doesnt this kind of behavior condition people to enjoy rape/abuse? 
- As someone who worked in domestic abuse (which almost always pairs with sexual assault)  I can tell you that the two have a VERY different feel and motivation than a sexual relationship between a sub/dom. In a nutshell- abusers/rapists want to psychologically inflict a level of harm on their victims. That is their version of power play- legitimately taking your voice away from you and violating you with you not wanting to experience it. Respect in rape and abuse simply does not exists. Also, the power is not distributed whatsoever. The rapist/abuser is seeking out all of the power. ALL of it. That is the point of the abuse/rape.

So, for BDSM relationships-
in true BDSM, not rapey literature, respect between the players is of optimal importance. Emotional/psychological harm is never the goal but something that is avidly avoided. The goal? Just to bring your respective partner pleasure in the way they have indicated to you they prefer to receive it. In the beginning of every BDSM relationship and during regular check ins the boundaries for both players are laid out on the table and then respected (when you give an abuser a boundary, they cross it with purpose and vengeance because you have just told them exactly how to really shake you). A safe word is identified which allows both partners to stop the interaction at any point- I mean dead stop. So, with that said consider where the power lies in a BDSM relationship. You identify the role you want to play, you identify what you like and what you are absolutely, under no circumstances are ok with and you have the power at any moment to stop the interaction. The power lies with the individual. Not just with the dom. Both people are in control, its just that one decides where they want to go, a few scenic routes they would like to take and the other does all of the driving and navigating to get them there.

2.) So, when is it rape or abuse?
- the simple answer is just- when it is. If a sub says they are not ok with anal but love being tied up and the dom ties them up and then analy assaults them- that is rape. When a sub says the safety word but the encounter doesnt stop- that is rape. When someone doesnt want a specific kind of sexual act done on them and it is done anyway- its rape. When someone is with a partner who isnt into BDSM at all and uses guilt, pressure and emotional abuse to get them to agree to get into BDSM with their partner- that is abuse. And rape.

3.) This seems degrading. 
-Im just going to go back to my point about respect. In a true BDSM relationship everyone involved has to treat the other with respect. Always. And remember, the people in these type of relationships make a choice to get into them. They use their personal right to choose what they want and what they dont to say hey, this seems great. No one (unless its rape/abuse) is forcing them. In fact, they seek it out themselves. Like adults who are allowed to do that sort of thing. I frame it that way because I find it more degrading to perceive someones personal choice as 'wrong' or 'abusive' as degrading. People are allowed to identify and pursue what they enjoy and want so long as they are not harming others to do it. When someone questions your right to choose your religion, to choose your food preferences, your political beliefs doesnt that feel demeaning? Degrading even?



Monday, May 19, 2014

April's Vulva of the Month Club!

  Wondering what we sent the
Vulva of the Month Club members last month?



  • One Unseen Goddess
  • A set of Matching Clip on Earrings
  • Cramp Bark (to be added to your favorite tea)
  • Kick it to your Menstrual Cramps! Tea

We currently have 4 open spots to add this month. 
E-mail me to grab one 

What is our Community Supported Vulva program, you ask?
Here is a video explaining the basics of it: ({video})
Or
Here is our full blog post on the program: ({Blog})

Friday, March 21, 2014

February's Vulva of the Month Package!

  Wondering what we sent the
Vulva of the Month Club members last month?


  • 1 Coral Unseen Goddess
  • A matching floral hair pin
  • Aurora's model card
  • 1 Dark Chocolate/Sea Salt Vulva

We currently have 4 open spots to add this month. 
E-mail me to grab one 

What is our Community Supported Vulva program, you ask?
Here is a video explaining the basics of it: ({video})
Or
Here is our full blog post on the program: ({Blog})

Monday, February 10, 2014

Where in the World are our Vulvas?

The Traveling Vulva



How it Works:

 * Take a picture of a Vulva Pendant or a Uterus plushie at a well known landmark in any country
   (famous people count as landmarks)

 * Post the pic to our Facebook page or E-mail it to us 
  (Be sure to let us know where you are!)

*We will message/e-mail you a 20% discount code for your next purchase

The Rules:

*The picture has to be at a well known (it has a Wikipedia page, IMDB page) landmark or with a celebrity. Your backyard and your grandma, while awesome, won't work. 

     (To keep things fair, if your landmark is questionable the three employees; Me, Dana and Misty will take a vote) 

*The picture must have one of our Vulva pendants or Uterus Plushies in it

*No Photoshop

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

July's Vulva of the Month package!

Wondering what we send the
Vulva of the Month Club members last month?




  • 1 Berry Colored (pink, purple or raspberry) Unseen Goddess
  • Two blue resin breasts set with real flowers
  • Aurora's model card
  • 1 Cramp Bark tea bag

Looks like we  are full this month. Check back next month for any open spots! 

What is our Community Supported Vulva program, you ask?
Here is a video explaining the basics of it: ({video})
Or
Here is our full blog post on the program: ({Blog})

Saturday, August 10, 2013

"Can it be removed?"- 10 year old daughter's long labia

I got this e-mail recently from a fan and felt it was really important to share. Please do the same. Share like there is no tomorrow.



Jessica, I just had to share this with you. I'm at work right now and this just happened.

A woman brought her 10 year old daughter in for complaint of "possible prolapsed uterus." The mom saw her daughter get out of the shower and noticed there was something "hanging out" of her. When the doctor examined her, we found that this little girl just had large internal labia! You know, the kind that hang low a little bit but are perfectly normal? It shocked me to know that this grown woman had no idea that labia can look different than her own, and the worst part was her saying "Can it be removed?"

My heart breaks for this poor girl. I hope she gets some better sex ed than her mom had, so she doesn't grow up with some horrible hangups about her perfectly normal body.

Now imagine how this poor 10 year old girl is going to feel about her body likely for the rest of her life. Imagine her mother keeps focusing on the fact that *she* feels this is abnormal. What is that going to do to this child as an adult? I think you can guess. 

To all mothers, sisters, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, friends: 
remember this and do what you can to let the girls in your life know that they are unique and beautiful without question. Be part of the solution.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

May's Vulva of the Month Package!

We sent some decadent Vulva Love to our 
Vulva of the Month Club members last month



  • 1 Lavender Unseen Goddess
  • A potential new product trial! Our Custom Blend Yoni Steam
  • 1 sparkly Vulva magnet

To grab one of this month's open spots e-mail  VulvaLoveLovely@Gmail.com
 *Be sure to include your country and if you want to pay up front or monthly

What is our Community Supported Vulva program, you ask?
Here is a video explaining the basics of it: ({video})
Or
Here is our full blog post on the program: ({Blog})