Meet our Models: Rae

Meet Rae

I was told to ask questions if I had them.
        (it was not for other people.)
    to wait.
        (it was special.)

I was never told it was wrong.
        (not to look.)
    it was disgusting.
        (not to touch.)

Still--
that’s what I heard.

I thought it was dirty.
        (made me tainted.)
     something to hide.
        (made me less than whole.)

I was not raised to feel this way.

First: there was my best friend.
Through her, I learned another side.
        (struggled with my identity.)
I learned it wasn't unusual.
        (felt sick and confused and dissociated.)
I learned about myself physically.
        (displaced from what I knew and unable to discuss it.)
I learned how to orgasm.
    I found I wasn't less than at all.

Now there is him.
    (a new friend, but still close.)
I know where I stand with my sexuality.
I am not bound by labels or pressures.
    (Nothing is lost.)
No magic button or switch decreases my value.

Still--
I get overwhelmed and disgusted.
The old judgments come pouring back in.
I crash.
I didn't wait.
(twice.)


Am I going to get hurt?
        (going to get sick?)
    easy?
        (losing myself?)
Am I throwing away my self-worth?

Many times I was warned of
        STDs.
    pregnancy.
        emotions.
    broken friendships.
        losing this magical thing that keeps me whole.

But, no.

Stop.



I deliberated.
I decided.
    They helped me.
    It was not thoughtless.
        (careless.)
        something to scratch an itch.

So, why do I think this way?
    Because there were two?
        Because I didn’t wait?
            (not supposed to think this way.)
    putting down a good thing because it isn’t “right.”

Wasn’t it right?
    It’s like I’ve forgotten how much I considered.
        (agonized.)
    mulled over the possibilities.
        (consequences.)

I chose.
I analyzed, calculated, and I chose.

Weren’t they
both special.
both valuable.
both memorable.
    and meaningful to me.

And haven’t I become
    more aware of myself as a person and a woman.
        no longer held back by fear of failure and the unforeseen.
more accepting of people and new situations.
conscious of my own needs.

I am not broken.

Good experiences.
Helpful experiences.
Wonderful experiences
    tainted by a societal idea:
        Multiple partners before marriage?
            That’s a “no-no.”

But that’s not the case.
They were a gateway.
(not a substitute for self-worth.)

I am whole in myself.
I am capable of making good choices.
I am able to overcome challenges.
(and, I am able to do it on my own.)

I am of immeasurable worth.
(no regrets.)