Meet Our Models: Treakel

I became acutely aware of my vulva and vagina a month before I turned 10. My menarche was a surprise, to say the least. My mom and dad were both very forthcoming with information about the growing body, so it was not that I was uninformed, it was that I was scared. I felt so totally alone and honestly thought that there was something wrong with me. I was bleeding from my vagina, vaguely aware that it quite possibly could be my first period, but so deathly afraid that I was going to have to go to the doctor, yet again, that I suffered in silence. Drop by drop, slowly soaking whatever cloth I thought I could possibly get rid of without anyone noticing. Thus, began my very personal and empowering journey.

From that moment to this, I continue to learn that there is something powerful and wonderful about what I have. From my first boyfriend in high school, to my recent ex husband these lessons have been hard learned and wonderful all the same. I have learned to harness what. I have learned that to be a woman is wonderful and scary, painful and rewarding. I am recently divorce, and that journey from marriage to isolation to abject horror to freedom has only strengthened who I am. I remember being so afraid of my husband and what was going to happen, but knowing that when he was gone there was really nothing that he could do. When he was present, I did not have to be. I knew deep down that he was angry because there was something that I had that he would never, no matter how much he took from me, made me endure, and heaped upon me, gain or break. That was my womanhood. I may not have been able to refuse him, but I did have the ability to, when he was not there, be myself with myself. Hard as he may try to make me feel dirty and filthy, unworthy of love, I still have the power to accept myself, and there is nothing more powerful than knowing that your vulva is what makes you, well, you.

My vulva is a beautiful. She is not filthy, she is wonderful. She has given me happiness and ushered in life. I have never been ashamed of my vulva, because what is the point? A leopard cannot change his spots, why would I want to change my womanhood and deny myself of my vulva. My vulva is mine and no one else’s, and I would have it no other way.

~Treakel

Meet Our Models: Tad Ekam

Tad Ekam “That one”, a respect name for a Chaos Dragon; they exist where physical light and darkness do not separate, where Primordial Matter waits to be formed into physical manifestations.

My mother never talked about her body. She never talked to me about sex, outside the limits of keeping me ‘informed’ by giving me a  simple  generic basics , a “how babies are made” booklet when she was pregnant with my middle brother  and not protesting when my private school  and then latter my public high school taught their versions of Sex Ed. I remember her saying something that basically was along the lines of her preferring me to learn about Sex Ed and sexual health from someone else, from the streets or through my own personal blunderings, rather than from her.
 

She was self conscious and uncomfortable with topics of her body and sex. How much of this was because of her past experiences she never talked about (she vaguely told me a story of how she was almost raped in a barn as an explanation of why she never insisted I had a boy friend growing up and how her second oldest brother ripped her earrings out of her ears), her religious upbringing and ideals (she would become very distressed at the idea of the thought of masturbation because apparently you’re not supposed to do that according to the Church or something. It was never explained to me so I never paid attention to it), her body image (she was overweight after having my two brothers and she never really lost any of the ‘pregnancy fat’), or my father (while his heart was in the right place, he was brought up “Old School” and had his own issues, fears and demons that he project onto everything and everyone).
 

  I have not spoken with either one of them for four years. Her last words were to tell me she was going to pray that I would fail so I would crawl back home. His last words had been telling me what a lying thieving piece of welfare/disability check riding piece of shit I was.
 

I joined the Army in Oct 2008, went through training in Feb 2009. I joined to get away from my parents, my past and to finally have a stable job (I will have been employed for two years this July). I am still, by definition, a virgin as I’ve never had partner sex, kissed or even touched another person in any way.  This gives me both a longing and a confusion that manifests itself in a crippling fear that I have yet to overcome.
 

 I do not give my Vulva enough attention at times due to a busy work schedule and not having a room to myself (Oh….how I await my promotable/Sergeant status that increases my chances of getting a room with no roommate!) but I am aware of her.  The outer Labia piercings I had done last year make it all but impossible to “forget” that she is down there.  I had six of the eight piercings all done at once and the last two (the top two) done two months after.  Why did I have them done? Because she is mine. She is my Tad Ekam and no one will take her from me.
 

I am neither the same person I was five years ago, nor the same person I was two years ago.  There is not a day I am grateful for that, for I am closer to undoing the damage I had been unaware that was done to my thinking and understanding of the world and myself.  One day I may be able to forgive those who unknowingly and knowingly fed me lies and misinformation and one day I may be able to forgive myself for believing them, no matter how fleeting.  I am closer to understanding and accepting myself as I am.
~Tad Ekam

Meet Our Models: Jo

My vulva and I have been through a lot, but it was only within the past few years that I have learned to love her as she should be loved. To love me as myself, and as a woman who deserves such love.

I was sexually abused when I was 4…I was sexually assaulted by my ex at 16…my second ex tolerated me only because I had sex with him (see a pattern?)

I didn’t realize that I…and my vulva…deserved to be loved as a whole. That I was much more than just a flesh and bone body used for sex. My vulva was something more…and what she was experiencing was nothing what she deserved.

I was 18 and with my boyfriend (future husband) and I remember having sex with him one evening and feeling a sensation that I had never, ever felt before. It was so intense and so annoying, I moved in such a way to make it stop. It wasn’t until I was experimenting one evening-which I realized I had been on the brink of having an orgasm. So uneducated I was!

I never practiced masturbation on a regular basis-I had no idea what I liked or didn’t like. Granted I have cheated most of the time and used a vibrator-but I didn’t have the patience to love myself. I have gradually worked on this “inability”…and I can say I have learned more about myself and what I like. It’s a good feeling to know that I know myself in an intimate way. 

Then one day I woke up and felt so uncomfortable, and I ended up making a doctor appointment-and I got the call from the nurse who said I had herpes. My mind was blown;  my mum had been over for the day visiting. She accompanied me to the pharmacy-she told me it would be ok. That evening I told my husband-he said he still loved me…but for awhile I felt completely worthless and dirty.

After awhile I calmed down …I wasn’t alone. I was ok-I wasn’t to be loved any less…I was still human. My vulva was still a vulva-she was still the essence of woman. She didn’t balk…she healed from her wounds. She stood strong. She was still worthy of love, and so was I.

I have been on such a journey for so much of my life…and most of what I know about myself, my body, and my vulva is from what I learned all by myself. It has been a hard journey at times-but my vulva…my womanhood…the strength within me to keep going even when it got tough…it’s all been worth it. Worth it so I could experience my inner strength…to realize my beauty from the inside as well as the outside. To love me is to love my vulva…you can’t have either without the other.

-Jo