My vulva and I have been through a lot, but it was only within the past few years that I have learned to love her as she should be loved. To love me as myself, and as a woman who deserves such love.
I was sexually abused when I was 4…I was sexually assaulted by my ex at 16…my second ex tolerated me only because I had sex with him (see a pattern?)
I didn’t realize that I…and my vulva…deserved to be loved as a whole. That I was much more than just a flesh and bone body used for sex. My vulva was something more…and what she was experiencing was nothing what she deserved.
I was 18 and with my boyfriend (future husband) and I remember having sex with him one evening and feeling a sensation that I had never, ever felt before. It was so intense and so annoying, I moved in such a way to make it stop. It wasn’t until I was experimenting one evening-which I realized I had been on the brink of having an orgasm. So uneducated I was!
I never practiced masturbation on a regular basis-I had no idea what I liked or didn’t like. Granted I have cheated most of the time and used a vibrator-but I didn’t have the patience to love myself. I have gradually worked on this “inability”…and I can say I have learned more about myself and what I like. It’s a good feeling to know that I know myself in an intimate way.
Then one day I woke up and felt so uncomfortable, and I ended up making a doctor appointment-and I got the call from the nurse who said I had herpes. My mind was blown; my mum had been over for the day visiting. She accompanied me to the pharmacy-she told me it would be ok. That evening I told my husband-he said he still loved me…but for awhile I felt completely worthless and dirty.
After awhile I calmed down …I wasn’t alone. I was ok-I wasn’t to be loved any less…I was still human. My vulva was still a vulva-she was still the essence of woman. She didn’t balk…she healed from her wounds. She stood strong. She was still worthy of love, and so was I.
I have been on such a journey for so much of my life…and most of what I know about myself, my body, and my vulva is from what I learned all by myself. It has been a hard journey at times-but my vulva…my womanhood…the strength within me to keep going even when it got tough…it’s all been worth it. Worth it so I could experience my inner strength…to realize my beauty from the inside as well as the outside. To love me is to love my vulva…you can’t have either without the other.
-Jo
3 comments:
Thank you so much for sharing your story here! What a gift to share with each other and I'm sure many women will recognize themselves in your words. We all need to love our vulva's!
Thank you so much for this beautiful comment and courageous testament to healing. You are empowering and inspirational wowman! thanks for making a difference!
You and your story were an inspiration to me, and you were the reason that I felt inclined to join VLL as a model. I can't express to you how much you've helped me and made me positive towards myself again. Thank you so much. You are a lovely woman.
-"Rae"
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