Monday, August 13, 2012

Meet our Models: Rae

Meet Rae

I was told to ask questions if I had them.
        (it was not for other people.)
    to wait.
        (it was special.)

I was never told it was wrong.
        (not to look.)
    it was disgusting.
        (not to touch.)

that’s what I heard.

I thought it was dirty.
        (made me tainted.)
     something to hide.
        (made me less than whole.)

I was not raised to feel this way.

First: there was my best friend.
Through her, I learned another side.
        (struggled with my identity.)
I learned it wasn't unusual.
        (felt sick and confused and dissociated.)
I learned about myself physically.
        (displaced from what I knew and unable to discuss it.)
I learned how to orgasm.
    I found I wasn't less than at all.

Now there is him.
    (a new friend, but still close.)
I know where I stand with my sexuality.
I am not bound by labels or pressures.
    (Nothing is lost.)
No magic button or switch decreases my value.

I get overwhelmed and disgusted.
The old judgments come pouring back in.
I crash.
I didn't wait.

Am I going to get hurt?
        (going to get sick?)
        (losing myself?)
Am I throwing away my self-worth?

Many times I was warned of
    broken friendships.
        losing this magical thing that keeps me whole.

But, no.


I deliberated.
I decided.
    They helped me.
    It was not thoughtless.
        something to scratch an itch.

So, why do I think this way?
    Because there were two?
        Because I didn’t wait?
            (not supposed to think this way.)
    putting down a good thing because it isn’t “right.”

Wasn’t it right?
    It’s like I’ve forgotten how much I considered.
    mulled over the possibilities.

I chose.
I analyzed, calculated, and I chose.

Weren’t they
both special.
both valuable.
both memorable.
    and meaningful to me.

And haven’t I become
    more aware of myself as a person and a woman.
        no longer held back by fear of failure and the unforeseen.
more accepting of people and new situations.
conscious of my own needs.

I am not broken.

Good experiences.
Helpful experiences.
Wonderful experiences
    tainted by a societal idea:
        Multiple partners before marriage?
            That’s a “no-no.”

But that’s not the case.
They were a gateway.
(not a substitute for self-worth.)

I am whole in myself.
I am capable of making good choices.
I am able to overcome challenges.
(and, I am able to do it on my own.)

I am of immeasurable worth.
(no regrets.)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you, Rae. This is beautiful. This is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately, because I am maybe about to have sex for the first time, outside of marriage. And I know there's nothing wrong with that. And all of my friends support me and my decision to do this. But I can't completely erase that voice in my head that says, "You're losing something and you can never get it back. What you're about to do is dirty and shameful. You won't be pure and whole anymore." But I know better than to believe that. And it's nice to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way that I do.

You're not broken or less than in any way. You made your own choices that were good and right for you. You took control of your sexuality, and you should be proud of yourself. Thank you again for this lovely poem.