Friday, October 12, 2012

Monday, October 8, 2012

Meet our Models: Peter

I never had problems with my body until I started my gender journey. As a child I knew everything that was going to happen with my body and I couldn’t wait! 

I was always very sexually open and curious. I started having sex at the age of 16 but always left disappointed. I hated having stuff in my Vulva. I always thought it was him, so I kept trying having sex with different men but that Hollywood movie moment where we both came together in complete bliss never happened and I didn’t really know who to blame.

At the age of 22 I started to get really tired. I was tired of having my period so I started taking birth control pills without the 7 day break in-between. I was tired of men, so I decided I didn’t want them in my life anymore. That really was the beginning of my transition, but I didn’t know it then. It took me another 2-3 years to really start naming things as they were.

Hormone replacement therapy led to top surgery in which I had my breasts removed. Some really rough things happened to me while I was in transition, so much so that I am not really ready to write them down. Finally, after 2 years of working through my transition I had my bottom operation, giving me male genitalia, my Penis.

Now, a few surgeries later I am done with my transition for a few more years. Now, finally after what feels like forever I am beginning to deal with a lot of past issues. I am so happy to be who I really am: being in the wrong body is a terrible feeling.  So, here I am: happy with my body. Now it is time for me to say good bye to my old one. I am finally in a place where I can admit to myself that I once had a Vulva and a Vagina and that is OK. It has been hard for me because I can’t help but feel as though I’ve been kicked out of all the women’s circles. Its hard not to be hurt and feel left out by that. All of the sudden I feel 2 new things: sad that I can’t participate in ‘women’ things, because politically and emotionally I identify more with women’; and sad that I left before saying goodbye, for leaving my Vulva without ever loving or trying to make amends with it.
                   And then came Vulva Love Lovely :-) and let the healing begin.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Meet Our Models: Shakti

Meet our newest model, Shakti
 Between my family's matter-of-fact attitude towards life, and my little brothers being in almost constant need of a diaper / pamper change, I was aware of the way of things - of the Yoni, and the Lingham, and that the union of the two (between "adults who love each other") gives way to joy and to life - at a relatively young age. And in my mind, that was just the fact and function of the universe. So when I "blossomed" at twelve, I accepted it as the way of life, and did my best to ignore the jeers of clueless boys and jealous girls. And when I started my period at 14, it came as little surprise. So while my mother cried and my grandmother bade me "Welcome to Womanhood", I took the tears and hugs and ridiculously large Maxi pads in stride, because that was just the way things worked..... except for my they didn't.
By the time I was 16 my cycles (when they came) last anywhere from 2months to, at one point, an entire year. And after being clinically deflowered for the purpose of an intra-cervical ultrasound, I was informed that I have an extremely "profound" case of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  To absorb the fact that you may never have children is alot to handle at 16. And for me, whose passion is children, it was devastating. I took it very cynically, and adopted the idea that I was only marginally a woman because I was "broken". And it ate at me for years; until  I met one of the most enlightened souls I know. He (yes, he) was the assistant pastor of my mother's congregation at the time, and in the course of me requesting prayer for my "brokenness" he told me one of the most touching things I've ever had the blessing to hear. He insisted that I was not broken at all, nowhere near it in fact. And he told me that, he believed, I was created the way I am so that through my circumstance the miracle of motherhood might be made even more profound. That my children (whether birthed or adopted) would be living proof of the miraculousness of femininity; of a woman's ability not only to create, but to foster and to love.
That was almost 6 years ago. Since then I have married my high school sweetheart, and we are well on our way to making those words a reality, with out even thinking about it. I would be lying if I told you I kept their healing power in my mind on a daily basis. I don't. By the Grace of the Divine I've come to a place in my life where I no longer need to. And I'm just a little ashamed to admit that, for quite some time now, I had completely forgotten about everything that I went through to get where I am. And I know that I couldn't have done any of it with out the empowering guidance of those words from a near stranger 6 years ago. And looking at VLL I decided that if I could pass them on to just one other woman, who feels ( or felt) like I used to that maybe, in some small way, my "brokenness" my truly mean something. Because I know what it feels like to despise your body, but I also know what it feels like to be able to look back and smile even though it's not necessarily better. And that is my sincerest wish for every female out there who is, or ever had been hurting because of their femininity. I want you to know that regardless of what you look like, or what you circumstance is that you are a perfect living embodiment of the miracle that is all things feminine.