I never had problems with my body until I started my gender journey. As a child I knew everything that was going to happen with my body and I couldn’t wait!
I was always very sexually open and curious. I started having sex at the age of 16 but always left disappointed. I hated having stuff in my Vulva. I always thought it was him, so I kept trying having sex with different men but that Hollywood movie moment where we both came together in complete bliss never happened and I didn’t really know who to blame.
At the age of 22 I started to get really tired. I was tired of having my period so I started taking birth control pills without the 7 day break in-between. I was tired of men, so I decided I didn’t want them in my life anymore. That really was the beginning of my transition, but I didn’t know it then. It took me another 2-3 years to really start naming things as they were.
Hormone replacement therapy led to top surgery in which I had my breasts removed. Some really rough things happened to me while I was in transition, so much so that I am not really ready to write them down. Finally, after 2 years of working through my transition I had my bottom operation, giving me male genitalia, my Penis.
Now, a few surgeries later I am done with my transition for a few more years. Now, finally after what feels like forever I am beginning to deal with a lot of past issues. I am so happy to be who I really am: being in the wrong body is a terrible feeling. So, here I am: happy with my body. Now it is time for me to say good bye to my old one. I am finally in a place where I can admit to myself that I once had a Vulva and a Vagina and that is OK. It has been hard for me because I can’t help but feel as though I’ve been kicked out of all the women’s circles. Its hard not to be hurt and feel left out by that. All of the sudden I feel 2 new things: sad that I can’t participate in ‘women’ things, because politically and emotionally I identify more with women’; and sad that I left before saying goodbye, for leaving my Vulva without ever loving or trying to make amends with it.
And then came Vulva Love Lovely :-) and let the healing begin.