Monday, April 9, 2012

Meet Our Models: Tad Ekam

Tad Ekam “That one”, a respect name for a Chaos Dragon; they exist where physical light and darkness do not separate, where Primordial Matter waits to be formed into physical manifestations.

My mother never talked about her body. She never talked to me about sex, outside the limits of keeping me ‘informed’ by giving me a  simple  generic basics , a “how babies are made” booklet when she was pregnant with my middle brother  and not protesting when my private school  and then latter my public high school taught their versions of Sex Ed. I remember her saying something that basically was along the lines of her preferring me to learn about Sex Ed and sexual health from someone else, from the streets or through my own personal blunderings, rather than from her.
She was self conscious and uncomfortable with topics of her body and sex. How much of this was because of her past experiences she never talked about (she vaguely told me a story of how she was almost raped in a barn as an explanation of why she never insisted I had a boy friend growing up and how her second oldest brother ripped her earrings out of her ears), her religious upbringing and ideals (she would become very distressed at the idea of the thought of masturbation because apparently you’re not supposed to do that according to the Church or something. It was never explained to me so I never paid attention to it), her body image (she was overweight after having my two brothers and she never really lost any of the ‘pregnancy fat’), or my father (while his heart was in the right place, he was brought up “Old School” and had his own issues, fears and demons that he project onto everything and everyone).
  I have not spoken with either one of them for four years. Her last words were to tell me she was going to pray that I would fail so I would crawl back home. His last words had been telling me what a lying thieving piece of welfare/disability check riding piece of shit I was.
I joined the Army in Oct 2008, went through training in Feb 2009. I joined to get away from my parents, my past and to finally have a stable job (I will have been employed for two years this July). I am still, by definition, a virgin as I’ve never had partner sex, kissed or even touched another person in any way.  This gives me both a longing and a confusion that manifests itself in a crippling fear that I have yet to overcome.
 I do not give my Vulva enough attention at times due to a busy work schedule and not having a room to myself (Oh….how I await my promotable/Sergeant status that increases my chances of getting a room with no roommate!) but I am aware of her.  The outer Labia piercings I had done last year make it all but impossible to “forget” that she is down there.  I had six of the eight piercings all done at once and the last two (the top two) done two months after.  Why did I have them done? Because she is mine. She is my Tad Ekam and no one will take her from me.
I am neither the same person I was five years ago, nor the same person I was two years ago.  There is not a day I am grateful for that, for I am closer to undoing the damage I had been unaware that was done to my thinking and understanding of the world and myself.  One day I may be able to forgive those who unknowingly and knowingly fed me lies and misinformation and one day I may be able to forgive myself for believing them, no matter how fleeting.  I am closer to understanding and accepting myself as I am.
~Tad Ekam

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