My vulva and I have been through a lot, but it was only within the past few years that I have learned to love her as she should be loved. To love me as myself, and as a woman who deserves such love.
I was sexually abused when I was 4…I was sexually assaulted by my ex at 16…my second ex tolerated me only because I had sex with him (see a pattern?)
I didn’t realize that I…and my vulva…deserved to be loved as a whole. That I was much more than just a flesh and bone body used for sex. My vulva was something more…and what she was experiencing was nothing what she deserved.
I was 18 and with my boyfriend (future husband) and I remember having sex with him one evening and feeling a sensation that I had never, ever felt before. It was so intense and so annoying, I moved in such a way to make it stop. It wasn’t until I was experimenting one evening-which I realized I had been on the brink of having an orgasm. So uneducated I was!
I never practiced masturbation on a regular basis-I had no idea what I liked or didn’t like. Granted I have cheated most of the time and used a vibrator-but I didn’t have the patience to love myself. I have gradually worked on this “inability”…and I can say I have learned more about myself and what I like. It’s a good feeling to know that I know myself in an intimate way.
Then one day I woke up and felt so uncomfortable, and I ended up making a doctor appointment-and I got the call from the nurse who said I had herpes. My mind was blown; my mum had been over for the day visiting. She accompanied me to the pharmacy-she told me it would be ok. That evening I told my husband-he said he still loved me…but for awhile I felt completely worthless and dirty.
After awhile I calmed down …I wasn’t alone. I was ok-I wasn’t to be loved any less…I was still human. My vulva was still a vulva-she was still the essence of woman. She didn’t balk…she healed from her wounds. She stood strong. She was still worthy of love, and so was I.
I have been on such a journey for so much of my life…and most of what I know about myself, my body, and my vulva is from what I learned all by myself. It has been a hard journey at times-but my vulva…my womanhood…the strength within me to keep going even when it got tough…it’s all been worth it. Worth it so I could experience my inner strength…to realize my beauty from the inside as well as the outside. To love me is to love my vulva…you can’t have either without the other.