Monday, July 2, 2012

Meet Our Models, Violet

Hello my name is Violet,
Honestly my story isn't any better than the other stories I have read here.
Reading them made me sad and a few actually brought me back to my babysitter and her boyfriend and them raping me.
 I was only 7 or 8 and prior to the rape issue my babysitter used to sit in our tree and eat the glass from the Christmas tree lights we strung in it and left in there year round. I think she could have been on drugs actually thinking about it now and being a bit older and wiser. She would invite me over and make me suck her tits in this broke down beetle that was in her back yard while she would lick me.
Even worse was the rape. She trapped me in a play pen while her boyfriend would fuck her on the bed and make me watch, then they tied me down to the bed when they were done, stripped naked. I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. She told me I shouldn't be scared and I would like it, she started making me suck her tits again and her boyfriend would rub her and then she licked me and after she got me wet enough she would put her fingers inside of me. Then her boyfriend put his nasty penis in me and it hurt. I was crying and screaming and had absolutely no idea what any of this was -but it left me very damaged and fucked up. After they were done with their twisted game she told me if I told anyone they wouldn't believe me and she would come and beat the shit out of me for snitching.
She fucked up my head so bad, I thought this was all normal behavior and not some sort of sexual deviancy.
My parents never found out about it but the rest of the neighborhood did- I used to get beaten up for it and treated like absolute shit. So I stopped socializing with people and separated myself.
It was seriously traumatizing- I thought my vagina was a bad thing. Even at a young age I started abusing it because I didn't want it attached to my body.

To make matters worse I started missing my best friend so I went over to her house to talk and listen to music and just forget about what ate away at my mind. She wasn't home but her brother in high school was.
He heard about what my crazy babysitter and her boyfriend did to me and he ended up trapping me in my best friend’s room; pinning me to the ground and smothering me. I was trying to get away but I was a small kid- I couldn't even scream for help. He ended up raping me too.
I have dealt with a lot of self hate, loathing and abuse from others I loved and let into my life. Im made me so angry at the world.
While in middle school I made what i thought was a good friend and told her about what happened in my childhood.  She was fucked up too, I think hearing my stories in graphic detail actually aroused her and she molested me.
I finally grew some balls and told her mother what she did- she just laughed at me and said I was full of shit, that I was a horrible friend and I should never speak or see her again.
I had no problem with that- my problem was that I finally told someone about an issue and was told was a liar. My anger and lashing out continued because as a child in an adult world no one takes you seriously at all.
I started getting sad and cutting myself, listening to depressed music, got into hard core gaming and drugs; anything to forget that I was who I was. I started going by another name because I hated myself and what my past was so badly that I wanted to be new and reborn.

I stopped cutting 2 years after i got out of high school but my life wasn't easy; I had crappy relationships time and time again not just people I dated relationships but friends relationships as well.
I wasn't a good person; I was damaged and I hated everything about me.
I would be lying to you all now if I said I fully love myself because I really honestly don't, but after many years of being the victim in events of my life that get even more gruesome…its pretty bad. But now where my life has taken me as of last year I have actually start accepting a lot of things.
Like people that love me for me even if I'm flawed and still have thoughts that they are going to hurt me.
Right now I have the best relationship in the world, I have good friends and I'm happier in my life; though I still have my moments it’s easier to get through.

I think with time I won’t be so filled with this dark inside me that makes me feel useless and unappreciated at times.

I have a long journey ahead of me and I don't know where my life will take me but I can say I have been living my life more care free and fresh.
I'm hoping one day I can overcome all of this and fully live.

I hope I can be an inspiration to other women: even if your life is really bad and you went through even more than me,
you just don't give up!
Be strong be positive and even if you don't fully love yourself just love yourself the best you can so you can one day love yourself more.
Eventually it does get better- it just takes time. I'm still working on my life and we can just work on it together as survivors!


Anonymous said...

Beautiful! Just beautiful!
I love it so much!

kim said...

I am so sorry you had to go through all you have been through. You are a brave woman.