A Love Letter to my Vulva: Queen Bee

Dear Queen Bee, before we truly knew each other,

raped and abused we were both left to suffer.
Confused, we went our separate ways.
Lonely and broken, we spent most of our days:
wondering why it was we felt that way.
I felt useless, like a broken jar of clay.
I tried healing on my own, but it was the day we met again
That our true journey of love and healing would begin
Misguided I felt it wrong at first
to satisfy the love of which I thirst.
Then one day I came upon a crazy store, Vulvalovelovely.
It was then that I made my greatest discovery.
I am normal and so are you.
It was from then on that our love grew.
I realize now that you never gave up on me.
So now I must thank you my little Queen Bee.
So my special vulva I love you,
and I can’t wait to walk through life with you.
Love Your Student, Lover, and Friend, 

Izzy

Meet Our Models: Leigha

My Story

    How exactly does one write their own story? I've always though of a "story" to be so complete and final, and if that's true, how can I possibly know how to start and my own? So I shall try, as best as I can. 

My Intro to Porn
    When I was around 8, I spent the night at one of my cousins houses. When everyone was asleep, they turned on to the pay per view porn channels. I remember feeling so awkward about sneaking a peak every once in awhile. I felt even weirder with myself at how the man and woman interaction made me feel; clammy palmed, shaky and excited.

Self-Exploration
    Around the fourth grade (damn that seems so young), I learned the act of masturbation. I would sneak off to my room, lock my door, and grab a towel to use to keep my hands clean. Every time I would climax, I would feel so ashamed of myself. I would think that God would think i'm dirty and I would tell myself that I would never do it again. Even though I was never really religious, God would creep his way into my young conscience and leave me feeling guilty.

With Boys Comes Changes
    I started dating in the 7th grade. My first boyfriend was a bust but my second one was great. I remember one date was to the movies. Being on a first date at age 13, we did a lot more making out rather than watch the movie. It wasn't long before I realized that my underwear were wet. I didn't know what was wrong! I actually thought that I had pee'd myself!
    A few years later I met a guy while living in California and he made me the happiest I had been up to that point. He was sweet and truly caring towards me. He was there for me when I had no one and he stood by me even when I was being shitty. I will always cherish him for that. Anyways one day while at my house he lifted my shirt and explored my bare skin and I let him willingly. I knew I wanted more and sometime later he slipped his hands down my shorts. That was the first time I shared my "special place" with anyone.
    When I moved back to my mom's house at age 16, I decided to break up with my California boyfriend. A couple months later I was approached by a boy who is my current boyfriend. Right away we became intimate. It was exciting to learn more about the male erogenous zones and to have another person learn about my own. Even though we moved fast, I told myself that I wouldn't have sex until I was 18 and an adult. That wasn't exactly the case.

My First Time (this was hard to write)
    Waiting to have sex is very difficult. There is so much temptation when you're already intimate with a person.When I had sex for the first time, it was in the heat of the moment. I wasn't ready. It wasn't very special or anything. It was rushed and impersonal. Needless to say, I regret it. After it happened, I was very depressed. I cried myself to sleep a few times and I looked at myself differently and with shame. I put my boyfriend through a lot of distress afterwards, not even taking into consideration that it was his first time also. I don't blame my boyfriend for it at all though. I love him with all my heart. And while that was a long time ago, I still get choked up thinking about it.   

My Vulva & Me :)
    Even though I was upset with how things turned out, I now know that I can't change anything from the past. All I can do, and all I continue to do is look forward. I inform my younger sisters about their bodies and tell them to be comfortable with themselves, because no one wants to have that talk with their mothers. And even though as of July 2012, at age 18, I still haven't told my mother about my sexual activity, I know she will be supportive. I am also blessed to have shared my not-so-perfect moment with my current boyfriend. He is my best friend and he supports me no matter what. He reminds me that I am beautiful even when I don't feel that way.  But while I still see my flaws, he is helping my accept myself for who I am and what I look like. Except for these damn thighs! (just kidding)

Far From The End
     I know that it is far from over, but this is how I will end my story: One day in the future, when I am a mother, I will talk to my children about their bodies and the natural sexual activities they will experience. I will also try to be as supporting, informing, and as loving as I can be, all the while telling them that they are beautiful no matter what other people believe is the image of beauty.

"I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think" - Weezer

Meet Our Models, Violet

Hello my name is Violet,
Honestly my story isn't any better than the other stories I have read here.
Reading them made me sad and a few actually brought me back to my babysitter and her boyfriend and them raping me.

 

 

 I was only 7 or 8 and prior to the rape issue my babysitter used to sit in our tree and eat the glass from the Christmas tree lights we strung in it and left in there year round. I think she could have been on drugs actually thinking about it now and being a bit older and wiser. She would invite me over and make me suck her tits in this broke down beetle that was in her back yard while she would lick me.
Even worse was the rape. She trapped me in a play pen while her boyfriend would fuck her on the bed and make me watch, then they tied me down to the bed when they were done, stripped naked. I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. She told me I shouldn't be scared and I would like it, she started making me suck her tits again and her boyfriend would rub her and then she licked me and after she got me wet enough she would put her fingers inside of me. Then her boyfriend put his nasty penis in me and it hurt. I was crying and screaming and had absolutely no idea what any of this was -but it left me very damaged and fucked up. After they were done with their twisted game she told me if I told anyone they wouldn't believe me and she would come and beat the shit out of me for snitching.
She fucked up my head so bad, I thought this was all normal behavior and not some sort of sexual deviancy.
My parents never found out about it but the rest of the neighborhood did- I used to get beaten up for it and treated like absolute shit. So I stopped socializing with people and separated myself.
It was seriously traumatizing- I thought my vagina was a bad thing. Even at a young age I started abusing it because I didn't want it attached to my body.

To make matters worse I started missing my best friend so I went over to her house to talk and listen to music and just forget about what ate away at my mind. She wasn't home but her brother in high school was.
He heard about what my crazy babysitter and her boyfriend did to me and he ended up trapping me in my best friend’s room; pinning me to the ground and smothering me. I was trying to get away but I was a small kid- I couldn't even scream for help. He ended up raping me too.
I have dealt with a lot of self hate, loathing and abuse from others I loved and let into my life. Im made me so angry at the world.
While in middle school I made what i thought was a good friend and told her about what happened in my childhood.  She was fucked up too, I think hearing my stories in graphic detail actually aroused her and she molested me.
I finally grew some balls and told her mother what she did- she just laughed at me and said I was full of shit, that I was a horrible friend and I should never speak or see her again.
I had no problem with that- my problem was that I finally told someone about an issue and was told was a liar. My anger and lashing out continued because as a child in an adult world no one takes you seriously at all.
I started getting sad and cutting myself, listening to depressed music, got into hard core gaming and drugs; anything to forget that I was who I was. I started going by another name because I hated myself and what my past was so badly that I wanted to be new and reborn.

I stopped cutting 2 years after i got out of high school but my life wasn't easy; I had crappy relationships time and time again not just people I dated relationships but friends relationships as well.
I wasn't a good person; I was damaged and I hated everything about me.
I would be lying to you all now if I said I fully love myself because I really honestly don't, but after many years of being the victim in events of my life that get even more gruesome…its pretty bad. But now where my life has taken me as of last year I have actually start accepting a lot of things.
Like people that love me for me even if I'm flawed and still have thoughts that they are going to hurt me.
Right now I have the best relationship in the world, I have good friends and I'm happier in my life; though I still have my moments it’s easier to get through.

I think with time I won’t be so filled with this dark inside me that makes me feel useless and unappreciated at times.

I have a long journey ahead of me and I don't know where my life will take me but I can say I have been living my life more care free and fresh.
I'm hoping one day I can overcome all of this and fully live.

I hope I can be an inspiration to other women: even if your life is really bad and you went through even more than me,
you just don't give up!
Be strong be positive and even if you don't fully love yourself just love yourself the best you can so you can one day love yourself more.
Eventually it does get better- it just takes time. I'm still working on my life and we can just work on it together as survivors!

Hear Her Roar: Leonna

Even though we’ve coexisted for decades now, I don’t know my vulva the way I wish I did. We have seemingly walked through life side-by-side but rarely hand-in-hand. My vulva and I have always been on the same journey but I was never courageous enough until now to lift my eyes from the ground and truly see her, strong and beautiful. My passion in life is Women’s Health and I have come to realize that I cannot truly serve other women, including my own daughter, until I open myself up to the true wonder that is my vulva. The raw power that flows from me when I am connected to my vulva is breathtaking. When I feel in sync with my vulva, I am totally inebriated by the intensity and the intimacy that is created from our union. I was always taught to fear my own strength and cage it up like a wild animal. Now, it feels like there is a rhinoceros running towards me and I am asking myself to not only stand my ground but to embrace the rhinoceros and take it into myself. I have to become and birth the rhino at the same time.

As one part of journey towards vulva love and acceptance, I want to honor her for everything she has been and done for me. She has literally been at the center of the most emotional experiences in my life and I have very rarely, if ever, allowed myself to be present with her during these times. My vulva was the final destination of my daughter’s passage into this world - the portal that brought her earthside. Silent and strong, my vulva’s lips stretched to envelop my daughter in the first kiss a mother can give a child and she did so without hesitation or complaint. My vulva was the ferrywoman, my own version of Charon, who delivered to this side my miscarried babies amidst rivers of blood and clots. She did so unapologetically but with empathy for my heart. On a lighter note, my vulva is a fan of Gerber Daisies and, in my mind, she wears one in her hair every day. She is a wise shaman, insightful and loving, and fully capable of standing in her power and enforcing her boundaries. Recently, I discovered that my vulva’s name is Leonna, which means “my strength” in Hebrew. The name emerged from the depths of myself one evening while journaling about my vulva and I’m taking it as a sign that I am on the right path to cultivating a loving, sacred relationship with her. I figure that before you fall madly in love with someone, it is usually a good idea to know her name. I am ready and excited and willing. Let the courtship begin!

Hear Her Roar: Ann

My whole life, I always compared myself to the "popular" girls. They were always thin, beautiful (on the outside), great bodies, clear skin, perfect hair, stylish clothes, and tons of friends. I was overweight, had a body that was put together all wrong, acne for days, hair that would never cooperate, regular, non stylish clothes, and only a few friends. It wasn't fair. Obviously there was something wrong with me. Loving myself was not at the top of my list. When I reached my mid twenties, something started to change. I knew I was always going to be different, but now I was starting to be okay with it. I started figuring out who I was and where exactly I fit in. It took a while, but I don't fit in, I am always going to be different and I think that's awesome! I still have hair that rarely cooperates, I am still put together wrong, have zero fashion sense, the occasional pimple, and a small handful of friends, but I am beautiful inside and out, compassionate, passionate, unique, smart, I have drive, determination, and I know what I want out of life, but most of all, I love myself.

Hear Her Roar: Dee

As with so many others the early life of my vulva was not a happy one. As a teen I suffered from confidence issues. I longed to be accepted and loved. I thought that the sure way to gain that acceptance and love was through sex. This resulted in what I now realize was bad attention rather than the positive experience that I was hoping for. I know looking back that I was simply used. I had self worth issues that were tacked onto this. My mother had twisted sex and masturbation into a dirty and embarrassing thing.

Part of my journey to empowerment was becoming an exotic dancer. (sure this seems to continue down the road of poor judgment) I started to gain confidence and acceptance of my body this way. At one point a group of the kids that always looked down on me in school came into the club I worked at. One actually asked me to marry him. This was a moment of realizing "hey I am good enough!"

Here we are years later, I can see a lot of poor judgment on my part. I can also see how these things made me who I am. I'm able to be a sexually open woman who is accepting of others sexuality. I am in my first and only positive long term relationship (10 years in August) I have learned to love my body and not be so concerned about what others feel about it. I have learned that if I am not good enough as I am for someone then they do not deserve to be a part of my life, It's their loss not mine.

I am empowered by my sexuality now. I have made an active effort in my local community to offer support, safety information and lend positive advice to women to help them gain confidence in themselves and their sexuality.

Years ago I would not of felt comfortable with taking part in a project like this. It has taken a long time to feel totally comfortable with my sexuality and my body as a whole. I understand that my degree of openness about my body and sexuality is not for everyone and some will consider doing something like this to be in poor taste. I have learned to not mind what others think though. I think that this project is a wonderful thing. I truly appreciate what Vulva Love Lovely stands for and what each woman stands to gain by starting down their road to self acceptance and sexual empowerment. I am proud to offer you my support and story.

Hear Her Roar: Jeffrie

“My Story” or How I Learned to Love My Body

I was brought up in a middle class family in Southern California where we didn’t discuss anything body-related. In fact, when I first got my period I was so embarrassed I hid it from my parents for over 6 months.

I didn’t date until I graduated high school, again because I was too embarrassed to broach the subject of sex with my parents, and they didn’t seem to want to push the topic either.

I was a reasonably active girl; I danced and was in gymnastics until I was in my mid 20’s, and people always told me I was pretty, but I couldn’t get a date to save my life. I even went stag to the senior prom… by the time I started college I had completely given up hope of ever getting a boyfriend, since every guy I had asked out had turned me down. I had resigned myself to being the “really cool aunt” or “the crazy cat lady”. I had a reasonable body and reasonable good looks, but I was completely unsure of myself. I hid my breasts as much as I could, wore baggy clothing, wore my hair simply in a braid or ponytail and did what I could to be androgynous. I was even too self conscious to masturbate or do anything of that sort, despite knowing lots of details from more experienced, older friends.

When I was 19, I had a life-changing experience- I got my first boyfriend. He was attracted to me through my ugly clothes and lack of makeup. He saw my body as curvy and beautiful, and after several months he began to teach me to appreciate myself in many, many different ways. He even went with me to Planned Parenthood for years when I went to get my birth control, until I was able to get health insurance.

A couple years later, we started working at the local Renaissance Faire- what better place to learn to take a complement and love your body! Within a year I had joined an acting group where I portrayed an Elizabethan harlot… quite a jump from the naive virgin I was 2 years earlier!

I ended up becoming the director of the group, did a TON of research on women and the dichotomy between the acceptance of prostitution during the Renaissance and the oppression of married women. Meanwhile, I learned even more to appreciate not only my beautiful body, but the variety of wonderful, encouraging, vivacious women I had befriended.

After dating my boyfriend for 7 years he asked me to be his wife. We were married October of ’07, and I have completely and totally learned to love every curve, crevasse and crease of my body. I am not skinny. My breasts are not huge. My stomach is not flat and tight. I love walking around the house naked: I am Rubenesque and damned proud of it!

I still direct and work the Renaissance Faire, and am constantly doing research on women’s history throughout the ages. I have surrounded myself with incredible women and men who believe in beauty in every form. In fact, our war cry (for lack of a better phrase) is “Flapdoodle”, which is a slang term from the late 1400’s/early 1500’s for a women’s vagina- it’s a great word for confusing people, and it’s fun to say!

If I ever have children, I know how to learn from the mistakes that my family made. It’s been centuries that women have been taught to be embarrassed of their bodies, so long that it’s almost an inherited trait. I am so glad to be living in an era where we are just starting to be able to reclaim the power and love that we were afforded in the Ancient Greek and Egyptian times, where women can be different shapes and colors and still be beautiful, sexy and intelligent.

Viva la Vulva! FLAPDOODLE!!!

Hear Her Roar: Adrastea

When I was growing up, my vulva was never referred to as a vulva. It was a “private part” that no one should touch. It was something that I peed out of and eventually would be the escape hatch for a fetus, but it wasn’t something to be shared or enjoyed. So when I had my first serious boyfriend at 16, I came into the relationship with no awareness of how my vulva was supposed to be treated. I had never had an orgasm. Never masturbated. And so when we began engaging in oral sex, I was afraid at first of his ejaculate and didn’t want to let him finish. So he decreed that if he couldn’t cum, then I couldn’t cum. So as the relationship progressed, I became his personal blowjob machine and he trained me to shut down my brain at the first sign of sexual pleasure.

When I got to college, I met a boy in one of my classes who took a liking to me. He and I started dating and when he realized how twisted my view of sexuality was, he made it his personal mission to help me understand my body better. He told me “I won’t let you get me off until I get you off, and I don’t care how long it takes.” Looking back on my relationship with him, it was the healthiest one I’ve ever had. He truly saved me from years and years of men taking advantage of me and my body. I lost my virginity to him and it was with him that I had my first orgasm. Even though it didn’t work out for other reasons, he was the most wonderful, loving, and open partner that I could have ever asked for.

After him, my vulva and I have been at odds with each other. She believes that yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, and bladder infections are the cat’s meow. We’ve had HPV, VIN, and abnormal PAP smears for four years. I have been crippled with shame and guilt over the idea that I would pass the potential for cervical cancer on to another woman. But in the past few months I am getting over that. I am dating my best friend from childhood and he is reminding me that I deserve of love, that my body is beautiful and that my vulva is not my enemy. I recently got involved with the Vagina Monologues and have started advocating for women’s health on campus.

-Adrastea