Meet Our Models, Violet

Hello my name is Violet,
Honestly my story isn't any better than the other stories I have read here.
Reading them made me sad and a few actually brought me back to my babysitter and her boyfriend and them raping me.

 

 

 I was only 7 or 8 and prior to the rape issue my babysitter used to sit in our tree and eat the glass from the Christmas tree lights we strung in it and left in there year round. I think she could have been on drugs actually thinking about it now and being a bit older and wiser. She would invite me over and make me suck her tits in this broke down beetle that was in her back yard while she would lick me.
Even worse was the rape. She trapped me in a play pen while her boyfriend would fuck her on the bed and make me watch, then they tied me down to the bed when they were done, stripped naked. I was really scared and I didn't know what to do. She told me I shouldn't be scared and I would like it, she started making me suck her tits again and her boyfriend would rub her and then she licked me and after she got me wet enough she would put her fingers inside of me. Then her boyfriend put his nasty penis in me and it hurt. I was crying and screaming and had absolutely no idea what any of this was -but it left me very damaged and fucked up. After they were done with their twisted game she told me if I told anyone they wouldn't believe me and she would come and beat the shit out of me for snitching.
She fucked up my head so bad, I thought this was all normal behavior and not some sort of sexual deviancy.
My parents never found out about it but the rest of the neighborhood did- I used to get beaten up for it and treated like absolute shit. So I stopped socializing with people and separated myself.
It was seriously traumatizing- I thought my vagina was a bad thing. Even at a young age I started abusing it because I didn't want it attached to my body.

To make matters worse I started missing my best friend so I went over to her house to talk and listen to music and just forget about what ate away at my mind. She wasn't home but her brother in high school was.
He heard about what my crazy babysitter and her boyfriend did to me and he ended up trapping me in my best friend’s room; pinning me to the ground and smothering me. I was trying to get away but I was a small kid- I couldn't even scream for help. He ended up raping me too.
I have dealt with a lot of self hate, loathing and abuse from others I loved and let into my life. Im made me so angry at the world.
While in middle school I made what i thought was a good friend and told her about what happened in my childhood.  She was fucked up too, I think hearing my stories in graphic detail actually aroused her and she molested me.
I finally grew some balls and told her mother what she did- she just laughed at me and said I was full of shit, that I was a horrible friend and I should never speak or see her again.
I had no problem with that- my problem was that I finally told someone about an issue and was told was a liar. My anger and lashing out continued because as a child in an adult world no one takes you seriously at all.
I started getting sad and cutting myself, listening to depressed music, got into hard core gaming and drugs; anything to forget that I was who I was. I started going by another name because I hated myself and what my past was so badly that I wanted to be new and reborn.

I stopped cutting 2 years after i got out of high school but my life wasn't easy; I had crappy relationships time and time again not just people I dated relationships but friends relationships as well.
I wasn't a good person; I was damaged and I hated everything about me.
I would be lying to you all now if I said I fully love myself because I really honestly don't, but after many years of being the victim in events of my life that get even more gruesome…its pretty bad. But now where my life has taken me as of last year I have actually start accepting a lot of things.
Like people that love me for me even if I'm flawed and still have thoughts that they are going to hurt me.
Right now I have the best relationship in the world, I have good friends and I'm happier in my life; though I still have my moments it’s easier to get through.

I think with time I won’t be so filled with this dark inside me that makes me feel useless and unappreciated at times.

I have a long journey ahead of me and I don't know where my life will take me but I can say I have been living my life more care free and fresh.
I'm hoping one day I can overcome all of this and fully live.

I hope I can be an inspiration to other women: even if your life is really bad and you went through even more than me,
you just don't give up!
Be strong be positive and even if you don't fully love yourself just love yourself the best you can so you can one day love yourself more.
Eventually it does get better- it just takes time. I'm still working on my life and we can just work on it together as survivors!

You Have Questions, We Have Videos

Every time I do a show or meet someone that knows about my work I get the same two questions: Why and How did you get into this?

And, if I met someone who made her living off of Vulva art I have to admit: I would have the same two questions. So, I imagine many of you are wondering the same thing.

Here are your answers in video form, because videos are so much more interesting than lines of text.

The Why of Vulva Love Lovely:


And the How:

Hear Her Roar: Ann

My whole life, I always compared myself to the "popular" girls. They were always thin, beautiful (on the outside), great bodies, clear skin, perfect hair, stylish clothes, and tons of friends. I was overweight, had a body that was put together all wrong, acne for days, hair that would never cooperate, regular, non stylish clothes, and only a few friends. It wasn't fair. Obviously there was something wrong with me. Loving myself was not at the top of my list. When I reached my mid twenties, something started to change. I knew I was always going to be different, but now I was starting to be okay with it. I started figuring out who I was and where exactly I fit in. It took a while, but I don't fit in, I am always going to be different and I think that's awesome! I still have hair that rarely cooperates, I am still put together wrong, have zero fashion sense, the occasional pimple, and a small handful of friends, but I am beautiful inside and out, compassionate, passionate, unique, smart, I have drive, determination, and I know what I want out of life, but most of all, I love myself.

Hear Her Roar: Dee

As with so many others the early life of my vulva was not a happy one. As a teen I suffered from confidence issues. I longed to be accepted and loved. I thought that the sure way to gain that acceptance and love was through sex. This resulted in what I now realize was bad attention rather than the positive experience that I was hoping for. I know looking back that I was simply used. I had self worth issues that were tacked onto this. My mother had twisted sex and masturbation into a dirty and embarrassing thing.

Part of my journey to empowerment was becoming an exotic dancer. (sure this seems to continue down the road of poor judgment) I started to gain confidence and acceptance of my body this way. At one point a group of the kids that always looked down on me in school came into the club I worked at. One actually asked me to marry him. This was a moment of realizing "hey I am good enough!"

Here we are years later, I can see a lot of poor judgment on my part. I can also see how these things made me who I am. I'm able to be a sexually open woman who is accepting of others sexuality. I am in my first and only positive long term relationship (10 years in August) I have learned to love my body and not be so concerned about what others feel about it. I have learned that if I am not good enough as I am for someone then they do not deserve to be a part of my life, It's their loss not mine.

I am empowered by my sexuality now. I have made an active effort in my local community to offer support, safety information and lend positive advice to women to help them gain confidence in themselves and their sexuality.

Years ago I would not of felt comfortable with taking part in a project like this. It has taken a long time to feel totally comfortable with my sexuality and my body as a whole. I understand that my degree of openness about my body and sexuality is not for everyone and some will consider doing something like this to be in poor taste. I have learned to not mind what others think though. I think that this project is a wonderful thing. I truly appreciate what Vulva Love Lovely stands for and what each woman stands to gain by starting down their road to self acceptance and sexual empowerment. I am proud to offer you my support and story.

Hear Her Roar: Jeffrie

“My Story” or How I Learned to Love My Body

I was brought up in a middle class family in Southern California where we didn’t discuss anything body-related. In fact, when I first got my period I was so embarrassed I hid it from my parents for over 6 months.

I didn’t date until I graduated high school, again because I was too embarrassed to broach the subject of sex with my parents, and they didn’t seem to want to push the topic either.

I was a reasonably active girl; I danced and was in gymnastics until I was in my mid 20’s, and people always told me I was pretty, but I couldn’t get a date to save my life. I even went stag to the senior prom… by the time I started college I had completely given up hope of ever getting a boyfriend, since every guy I had asked out had turned me down. I had resigned myself to being the “really cool aunt” or “the crazy cat lady”. I had a reasonable body and reasonable good looks, but I was completely unsure of myself. I hid my breasts as much as I could, wore baggy clothing, wore my hair simply in a braid or ponytail and did what I could to be androgynous. I was even too self conscious to masturbate or do anything of that sort, despite knowing lots of details from more experienced, older friends.

When I was 19, I had a life-changing experience- I got my first boyfriend. He was attracted to me through my ugly clothes and lack of makeup. He saw my body as curvy and beautiful, and after several months he began to teach me to appreciate myself in many, many different ways. He even went with me to Planned Parenthood for years when I went to get my birth control, until I was able to get health insurance.

A couple years later, we started working at the local Renaissance Faire- what better place to learn to take a complement and love your body! Within a year I had joined an acting group where I portrayed an Elizabethan harlot… quite a jump from the naive virgin I was 2 years earlier!

I ended up becoming the director of the group, did a TON of research on women and the dichotomy between the acceptance of prostitution during the Renaissance and the oppression of married women. Meanwhile, I learned even more to appreciate not only my beautiful body, but the variety of wonderful, encouraging, vivacious women I had befriended.

After dating my boyfriend for 7 years he asked me to be his wife. We were married October of ’07, and I have completely and totally learned to love every curve, crevasse and crease of my body. I am not skinny. My breasts are not huge. My stomach is not flat and tight. I love walking around the house naked: I am Rubenesque and damned proud of it!

I still direct and work the Renaissance Faire, and am constantly doing research on women’s history throughout the ages. I have surrounded myself with incredible women and men who believe in beauty in every form. In fact, our war cry (for lack of a better phrase) is “Flapdoodle”, which is a slang term from the late 1400’s/early 1500’s for a women’s vagina- it’s a great word for confusing people, and it’s fun to say!

If I ever have children, I know how to learn from the mistakes that my family made. It’s been centuries that women have been taught to be embarrassed of their bodies, so long that it’s almost an inherited trait. I am so glad to be living in an era where we are just starting to be able to reclaim the power and love that we were afforded in the Ancient Greek and Egyptian times, where women can be different shapes and colors and still be beautiful, sexy and intelligent.

Viva la Vulva! FLAPDOODLE!!!

Have you seen it?

There is a part of your body that changes daily. It serves as a passage way for old blood and new life. It expands, changes color and if you watch it you can tell whether or not you are ovulating, where you are in your cycle, and if you pregnant.

Have you seen it?

No?

Isnt that crazy! There is a part of your body that is completely epic and you have never seen it. I thought it was completely insane and I had to take a look.

I looked for at least an hour. I couldnt believe that the small thing I was looking at, my cervix, could do something like bring a person into this world. I started to look at her daily. Now I can tell you whether I am ovulating, about to ovulate, or when I am just a few days away from menstruation. If it ever happens I will know very quickly that I am pregnant.

Perhaps you should take a minute to look at yours.
Here is what you need:
A speculum (you can get one here: http://www.fwhc.org/sale3.htm#plainspec)
A flash light
A hand mirror
Lubricant

How to do it:

1. Put some KY jelly or water onto the bills (the rounded part ) which you will insert into your vagina) . Take a deep breath. As you exhale, let your muscles relax. To insert the speculum, hold it in one hand, handles up, bills together. Using your other hand, spread the labia and insert the bills of the speculum as you would a tampon.
   
2. When you have inserted it as far as it will comfortably go, open the bills using the mechanism on the handles that you practiced with earlier. You will feel the speculum stretch your vagina open. Lock the speculum into place. Then you can let go of it. With both your hands free, you can now hold the flashlight and mirror. Shine the beam of the flashlight into the mirror so it reflects into the vagina lighting up the internal space. Or shine the flashlight directly inside. Adjust the mirror and flashlight so you can see inside. At the back of your vagina is your cervix. It looks like a small donut with a very small opening in the center.
   
3. When you are finished, unlock and close the speculum. Then slowly and gently pull the speculum out. You may smell the speculum to become familiar with your natural smell of secretions and examine the mucus picked up on the speculum. An acidic smell is not unusual. A yeasty or fishy odor may indicate an infection.

What you see
The cervix appears as a rounded or flattened knob about the size of a quarter or half-dollar. The hole or opening in the center is called the cervical os.

If you cannot see your cervix, unlock the speculum , change the direction the bills are pointed, then reopen it. It may help to sit on a firmer surface, like the floor. If after a few tries you are unable to find your cervix, wait a few days and try again. The cervix moves somewhat during the menstrual cycle and may be easier to see in a few days.

What to look for:

Mucus: Mucus is natural. The character of the mucus changes throughout the menstrual cycle in response to hormones. It ranges from pasty-white (non-fertile) to clear and stretchy egg-white texture (fertile). The picture below is a cervix during ovulation.

Color and Texture: Cervical bluing may be the first sign that a woman is pregnant. Fifty percent of women who are pregnant will have a blue or purplish colored cervix due to an increase in blood circulation. During pregnancy, the cervix may also look puffy and softer and the os more open.

So, now you know. Go a head and take a look!

Cunt VS Vagina

So many times when I use the C word (Cunt!) women go into a rage, understandably.
But let me explain why by looking at the origins of Cunt and Vagina:

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ORIGINS OF THE WORD CUNT

by Gloria Bertonis, M.Ed. from the book Stone Age Divas

"Cuneiform", the most ancient form of writing, derives from "kunta" meaning "female genitalia" in Sumerian of ancient Iraq. "Kunta" is "woman" in several Near Eastern and African languages and a Mother Tongue that is being compiled by linguists today. It was also spelled "quna," which is the root of "queen." Since priestesses were known to be accountants/administrators of Temple of Inanna in Sumeria c.3100 B.C. when Cuneiform was first used, it is highly likely that cuneiform was "the sign of the kunta" who kept the books (clay tablets) for the temple economy/redistribution of wealth that evolved from communal economics of ancient mother-cultures.

So when an abuser calls a woman a "cunt" he is actually calling her a "queen who invented writing and numerals."

ORIGINS OF THE WORD VAGINA

From the Doctors at MedicineNet.com

"The word "vagina" is a Latin word meaning "a sheath or scabbard", a scabbard into which one might slide and sheath a sword. The "sword" in the case of the anatomic vagina was the penis."

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Taking that into account I choose between a queen who invented writing and numerals and a holding place for a penis. I chose Cunt. I sing Cunt. I love Cunt.

I did Twitted

Im addicted. Lets follow eachother: http://twitter.com/VulvaLoveLovely

Lets do a product review: The Diva Cup

I recently made the switch from tampons/cloth menstrual pads to The Diva Cup coupled with cloth menstrual pads.
If you are considering The Diva Cup, let me share my experience with you.

Props:
*What Leaks? My flow is a rush, I leak onto everything after about an hour. With the Diva Cup, that worry is almost completely gone. It does leak, but hardly. I have a very lightweight cloth menstrual pad as a back up on heavy days. I can sleep through the night and wake up with clean sheets (<3).

*I find it very comfortable once its in. Some women have to cut the stem some, but I left is as is and forget completely that its there at all. (Thats saying a lot, because I am very small - 4 ft 11 in- and my Vagina is proportional).

*Saving some green! Both environmentally and fiscally. I got mine online for $17. I haven't purchased emergency tampons/pads since.

*Its so convenient! With tampons I used to have to fill my purse with them every morning. With the cup, I leave home with it in and return home with it in, no restocking (or forgetting to re-stock).

*Can I say it? I love my period! Washing your cup rather than throwing your used tampon away really changes the way you perceive menstruation. Its no longer garbage, no longer something you throw away. For me, using the Diva Cup + cloth menstrual pads is a way of honoring myself,my body, and serves as a way for me to celebrate my womanhood.

*No risk of Toxic Shock Syndrome!

*Hypoallergenic! Im allergic to latex, certain ingredients in lubricant, so and an so on (my Vagina is picky. She is a Goddess, after all). I have no problem with the silicon Diva Cup.

Fail:
*How the hell do I put this thing in? Eventually you will get the hang of it, but for your first and second cycle expect it to take a few tries.

*Menstrual blood has a very strong odor and it can be hard to get rid of. This is easily taken care of with Diva Wash. I find it works much better than soap in this particular instance.

*Suction + Horrible Cramping=Bad. When you put the Diva Cup in it seals itself in with light suction (really, its not bad at all). For me on the first day of my period Im on pain killers the pain is so bad, and on that day even dealing with the light suction can be horribly painful. That said, on regular days when I have bad cramping (not horrible) I don't really notice it.

All in all: A+. I LOVE my Diva Cup and plan to make the switch permanent.

Its Going to be Different this Time.

To all of my lovely Etsy-friends, Vulva Love Lovely is going to go under construction! With the big move for grad school hopefully coming soon its time to primp and polish my shop, so keep an eye on her. ;)
If any of you lovely people would like to look her over and send me a critique I would be so so thankful, and of course would return the favor.

http://www.vulvalovelovely.etsy.com/

For real?

So, Im cleaning my house in my tank top and its hot. I wipe the sweat off of my chest and then feel this tiny pain, like a light bruise. So, I decide the best thing to do is go back to that spot and poke at it.

Its a massive lump.

There is a massive lump on my breast and I have no health insurance. So, I do the first thing that comes to mind. Call my mommy.

She proceeds to tell the entire family, then friends of the family, then just friends. Apparently once I tell her the information becomes public information.

The next day Im in tears. My great grandmother and my grandmother had breast cancer. Im only 23, this is impossible. Its probably a cyst. I take the next morning off from work so that I can spend a few hours with my partner, I need comforting. We get up, make some cinnamon rolls, its great.

Then I get an e-mail from my cousin, a text message from my mom's employee, and a call from my aunt all offering there sympathy. Did I die and just not realize it? Many of them made it a point to note hair loss. It really helped to calm me down. Do they know I havent been to the doctor yet, that no one is saying cancer?

My partner's father is an OBGYN. We called him immediately, he thinks Im too young for cancer and that its likely a cyst. Then again, breast cancer runs in my family... He offers to give me a breast exam for free while Im trying to figure out what to do as far as insurance goes.

Im touched, but I dont want to be touched. For now, Im going to pass.

My application and credit card information is with the insurance company, 7-10 days. So, no doctors appointment, no mammogram, no ultrasound for 7-10 days. No answers for 7-10 days.

Im really scared.